I wish I know what prompts me to blog, but that remains a mystery. Sometimes I feel like I can get my feelings out via a post on instagram, but sometimes, I feel like yall need a little bit more…
I get asked alot of questions. Mainly online (please don’t stop asking me, I love it) but I do have alot of people that often want to pick my brain. One of the main questions I get asked is how I have gotten my marriage to the point that it is now, and I have a standard answer. If you met with me one on one, I could give ya the whole story, but I don’t always have the time.
There are so many different aspects to keeping a marriage strong, so it’s not a simple answer, but I have found it my personal duty to always have the person look deep inside of themselves. Too often we try to place blame, or wonder what’s wrong with our spouse, instead of questioning maybe what’s wrong with us. I get sooooo many people only pointing out what their significant other is doing wrong, but say nothing about themselves. Now, I know there will be some folks who have been abused or have had a terrible relationship that didn’t work out that won’t agree, but this isn’t for you. Also, remember that this is my opinion and that you don’t have to listen or care about what I have to say, so please, save yourself the time, don’t comment or DM me.
Now, I’m speaking from a woman’s perspective. I know that when you were a little girl, and then a teenager, when you met your high school sweetheart, and then when you first met your husband, and everything was perfect, that you dreamt of how your marriage would be. I think the first thing any couple should do before they get married, is erase that image. CTRL + ALT + DELETE, shut that program DOWN! It is not going to be what you expect it to be. It’s just not.
When two imperfect people join together, there are going to be problems. You are going to let each other down. You won’t always be in a good mood. Life tragedies happen, that change people. Oh, and PEOPLE CHANGE! Don’t forget that! But, something that I realized later on in my own marriage, was that I had set all these unrealistic expectations for my husband that I, myself, was incapable of meeting.
I expected him to ALWAYS say the right thing. To ALWAYS know exactly what I meant when I said it. To ALWAYS want to help me with the kids. To ALWAYS go to work, and come home and be in a good mood. To ALWAYS be okay when I said no to sex.
Say it with me now, all together…”UNREALISTIC!!” Sometimes I’m in a bad mood before I even get out of the bed. And I expected my husband to work a full however many hours, drive home, to me shoving a crying baby, or stinky kid in his arms right as he walked in the door, and not allow him to show a HINT of frustration. Yes, you may have worked too, YES, you may have changed 18 more diapers than him that day. I understand. HE understands. But, are you giving him the same grace that you are expecting him to give to you? Why are you the only one that’s allowed to be in a mood?
I think far too often, we are so worried about ourselves, that we don’t even step back to see how the other person may feel. Marriage is 100% selflessness. It doesn’t work any other way. When you get a thought about criticizing your husband, put a mirror in front of your face. He forgot to take the trash out? But how many times did you rewash the clothes in the washing machine today? What if he criticized you about that? How would you feel?
This revelation hit me hard in the face when I first realized it. It actually took a big dose of karma for me to grasp it. But once you know better, you DO better, right? I’m not perfect, and I have my moments, but this has changed our marriage DRAMATICALLY. He does the same thing. It’s an equal partnership. We treat the other how we want to be treated. Do we fail? Of course! We are human. But those moments are few and far between.
Don’t be mad at me, and don’t pretend like you didn’t read this. It’s not easy, by any means, trust me! But, it works. Learn how to bite your tongue, and extend some grace.