Today was too much

I thought that when I blogged tonight, I would have a sappy nostalgic post.
Full of pictures of my first born.
I would talk about our memories, and how I am so proud of him, and how cool it is that he is starting kindergarten...
Well, I had a horrible day. I don't know where it started.. I guess we could start at yesterday... I knew that it was getting towards the end of the week, and that I needed to get caught up on laundry and get the house cleaned, but my mom needed me to help her with some things, so I neglected my duties and went to my moms last night.
When I woke up this morning and looked around my house I was overwhelmed. My husband and I keep an immaculate house. Many people have come over and said that they would not even know that kids lived here if they didn't know us...
That's how clean we like things. We like order. Our house is not in order.
I also woke up with a TERRIBLE hair day, and overall, I just was not in a good mood. I made cereal for breakfast, took a shower, and ran out of the house to run a few errands. My friend came over to do my hair, and when she left I put the kids down for a nap, and laid down to rest for a few seconds. As I looked on my sons school website to get the address for meet the teacher night, I realized that it wasn't tonight. That wasn't so bad.. it meant the kids could nap a little longer, I could relax for a bit, and I could still go finish up Braydens last minute school list...

As I was registering to set up Braydens school lunch account, a million thoughts flashed through my head. I thought about Brayden standing in the lunch line alone, him standing at the little window to tell the lady what he wanted, but he couldn't decide, so some kids skipped in front of him. Brayden doesn't like that..Then I see him crying because it wasn't nice of the other kids to do that. THEN I see him looking around a huge cafeteria, finally finding a spot to eat, sitting down, and spilling his milk. I won't be there to clean it up for him. What if he spills it on his food? I won't be there to tell him it's okay and to make him another plate. What if he doesn't have time to get another plate? Will my baby just not have lunch?

I immediately began to cry big alligator tears and text Brendan and asked him to call me. He called, and reassured me that Brayden would be fine, and that if it made me feel better, he could take his lunch to school. He knew how sad I was, and he tried his best to make me feel better. When we hung up, I felt like my heart was just ripped into SHREDS! Suddenly the severity of the situation made itself VERY present. My baby was leaving me. I was leaving him to someone else's care for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

Someone who doesn't know that he loves to laugh, what his favorite color is. Someone who won't understand why he will cry if he gets two crayons that are the same color... Someone who wont kiss his knee if he falls and scrapes it... It was TOO much!! I couldn't stop crying. I called him(He doesn't nap) And I talked to him about starting kindergarten, and just seeing his smile made me feel better. He asked why I was crying, and I just told him that while mommy was really happy for him, I was just really sad that he would not be with me all day anymore. He rubbed his hand through my hair, and said, "Mommy, don't be sad, I will come home everyday and just tell you how much fun I had." I laughed, and hugged him tight. I didn't want to ever let him go.

I knew that I would be sad, but I did not know that I would be DEVASTATED. The moment Brayden came into this world is the moment our lives were changed forever. He made us a family. He gave us a push to do better. He was our motivation, the source of our determination. He could make a terrible moment turn into a beautiful one. He is what kept us going when our first year of marriage seemed like a mistake. We knew that God would not give us something so beautiful, just for us to not give him our best. We got past our childish ways, we grew beyond our insecurities, we set aside our selfishness, and we worked through our problems. All because of this little perfect baby boy.

And now, he's going to kindergarten. It may not seem like a big deal to many, but it is breaking my heart. My friend Melissa told me today that when her daughter started school, she held her breath every day until she was safely back in her arms. I feel I will do the same. She reassured me that eventually it will get normal, and it will become part of our routine. I believe her, and thank you, sweet friend, for your much needed assurance today.

Aside from all that, when I am sad, it takes a toll on me. Mainly my mental state. I have said it before, but I am happy, because I choose to be. I choose to be, because being sad is not an option for me. It is not an option, because sadness has a whole other definition to me.

Because I suffer from depression, when I allow myself to get overcome with sadness, life just becomes too much to handle. Things that I juggle everyday just become too much. I am not just a mom, but I'm a wife, I am a daughter, I am a business owner, I am a friend, I am a sister, and... I am incubating a human. After trying my best to finish everything today, and dealing with Brayden going to kindergarten, and still coming home to a filthy house, I am just done...

I know that I allow myself to be very available, and, I am not complaining, but, when I need someone to be available to me, and all day I just have people needing something from me... It just weighs me down. If you needed me today, I am very sorry if I wasn't there. If I didn't reply to your text, respond to your email, or return your phone call.

Today was just too much, and I just need a mental break.

I hope I didn't depress anyone from this post, I just had a very hard day. I may sleep with my sweet Brayden and just squeeze him in my arms until they go numb... Here are a few pictures that I got yesterday of my growing boy..




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